I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
