you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
