i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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