why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You dont lie about slip and slides
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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