I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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