the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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