I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
