I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
