6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
