FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
