im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm sobbing to NWA
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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