I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
