Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
