The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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