I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
