yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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