sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
