We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize