I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
how drunk are you?
Several
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
