Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
