You smell like stripper and shame
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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