when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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