Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
