I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Found the puke drawer
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
