So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
