Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
