Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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