did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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