onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
