meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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