Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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