And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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