Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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