Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I am naked and annoyed.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
