my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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