woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
