thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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