Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
