The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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