The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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