Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
