apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
