If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
