do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
