New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
