I wanna passion pit in your ass
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
