I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
