Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
