Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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