I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
