Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
