Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
