Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
