I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
