i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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