They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
