I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
