Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
